I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
