Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
