So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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