It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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