Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
