and i looked up. we had an audience...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
