Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
