dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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