Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
