I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She bit a glass in half.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
