I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
