my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
