no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
