Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
