just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
this hospital has no fireball
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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