Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
accomplished twins. life is a go
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
