Swine flu. Run for my life!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize