dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
