the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
