so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
