She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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