you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
