I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize