my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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