Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
