hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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