Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
