omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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