I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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