I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
They have beer where we have blood.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
