Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
