omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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