I want to walk on stilts...naked
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
