Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
