Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
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