Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
