the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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