so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize