"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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