Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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