Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
