I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
