Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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