guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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