Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
