You don't have asthma, your pregnant
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
