textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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