Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
