woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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