Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
