Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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