Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
