Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
