I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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