Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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