peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
