I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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